Sunday, April 17, 2011

What are you scared of?

We, meaning I, start fertility injections on Thursday.  Well, it's sort of "we" since Adam actually gives me the injections every day.  I've been getting excited about getting the ball rolling and seeing how God is going to work this thing out for us.  Will I get pregnant?  Will I get pregnant with twins?  If I do get pregnant, will we have a boy or girl? Lots of unending questions to play out in my head.  I'm a pretty practical person most of the time and don't really let the "what ifs" play out.  I don't think it's really helpful or productive in any way.

But, with as much excitement as I've had recently, I've had as much fear.  What if I don't get pregnant?  What if we never have any more children?  Would it be the end of the world?  No. But, it would be sad. It would be a disappointment.  Would life carry on?  Yes.  It's just hard to get too excited in this process because of the flip side of the coin - not getting pregnant.  I've toyed in my mind what I could do to try to "help" the process of getting pregnant - quit running, just do yoga every day, just eat healthy,cut out all the sweets,etc.  Not that it isn't good to try to be as healthy as possible, but I have much less control of this outcome than I really think I do.  I can do everything right and still not end up pregnant.  Ultimately, God is in control of this process and this outcome. 

My prayer as we start this IVF journey for the THIRD time is that God will be in control and allow His will to happen.  I really don't want to have another baby if it isn't what God wants and wills for our lives.  So, I do want him to protect us from anything outside His will.  I trust God.  I trust Him with my life and future.  He know our heart's desires and He knows what is best.  I want His best.

1 comment:

  1. WOW!!! I am praying for you during this crazy hard/emotional/difficult time of fertility treatments. You are beautiful and so is Emerson!!! I hope everything works out perfectly and thank you so much for your sweet comment on my blog, you made my day!! Yay for new blog friends!