Friday, April 8, 2011

Grin and Bear It

Have you heard that phrase before - just grin and bear it?  I feel like the past few days I've just been going through the motions - with everything.  I'm doing all the regular tasks and activities, like my quiet times, my workouts, caring for my daughter and husband, all with a painted on "grin". But, inside, I'm sad.  Why?  I don't really know.  Our current financial stress might be part of it, but I know deep down God will provide for our needs and it will all work out.  Other than that, I don't have anything to really explain my inner sadness.  Maybe it's partly thinking about our upcoming IVF procedures and the emotional roller coaster that goes along with that.  What if I don't get pregnant and we've spent all this money for nothing?  Obviously, in my head I know it's worth it.  We know there are no guarantees, and we still want to try.  It's still very emotional though. 

I feel like I'm trying to just "get through" the days right now.  Adam invited my parents to come over to play cards tonight, and generally I always like to spend time with my parents, but I didn't even want to play cards with them. I pushed through the feelings and didn't say anything to Adam.  I knew just laying in bed wouldn't really help my feelings.  So, my parents came over, and we had a great time playing Pitch.  I laughed harder than I have in quite awhile.  It was a real laugh too, not one I had to put effort in. 

Tonight was a good reminder how sometimes we just have to "push through" the feelings and do what we know is right and good despite how we feel.  Would it have been wrong for me to just lay in bed tonight?  No, not necessarily.  Sometimes we need to just let ourselves rest.  But, by pushing through my negative emotions tonight, I was able to find real joy in spite of sadness.  I was able to laugh, have fun, and be reminded of God's blessings all around me. It was good for my soul.   Thank you God for family and fun and laughter.  It was a good way to end the night.

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