Thursday, June 9, 2011

Being Vulnerable

I'm grateful to have a good support system of friends and family.  I've had a group of people who have really walked alongside me through my infertility and IVF journey - people who have been faithful to pray and encourage me.  I have no trouble asking people for prayer.  But when I received news that the doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat yesterday, I lost it emotionally.  I didn't want to talk to anyone, not because I didn't want them to know, but because I didn't want to be out of control emotionally.  I think I've cried more yesterday and today than I have in years.  I know that's good for me, but I'm not used to letting people see that vulnerability in me.  Why is that so hard?  I don't know.  I've wanted to isolate myself, not talk about things with anyone, because it's easier to be "okay" emotionally if I'm not thinking about or talking about the baby.  But avoidance isn't good.  Why can't I just "lose it" in front of people who love me? 

Follow-up sonogram

Yesterday was our second sonogram.  The doctor said the blood buildup was gone, and the baby and sac had grown since last week.  However, he couldn't find a heartbeat.  He told us he is 99% sure it isn't a viable pregnancy.  I have to go back on Monday for another sonogram so they can double check.  At that time, they will discuss options with me if my body doesn't miscarry on it's own. 

I tried holding it together at the center, but I just broke down crying.  How could we so easily hear the heartbeat last week and this week there be no heartbeat?  I asked the doctor if the blood clot could have affected the baby, but he said he didn't think so because there was obvious growth of the baby. 

I've cried many times since yesterday, which isn't like me.  I like to have my emotions under control, but I don't feel like I have anything under control right now.  Last night, I thought about the baby all night long and why he/she couldn't have lived?  God brought life to this little one only to not survive?  I don't understand. 

It's hard to comfort my husband, who I know needs comforting, when I'm so emotional.  I feel sorry for him.  He is trying to be present for me and comforting while dealing with his own grief and sadness.

My loved ones tell me there could still be a heartbeat on Monday found, and I know they are right.  I know God can do a miracle and breathe life into my baby.   I want to believe for that and pray for that.  I also want to trust God ultimately.  I know His ways are greater than ours, and I know He doesn't make mistakes.  I guess I'll keep telling myself that.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Another lesson in trust

I went to the doctor yesterday for my first sonogram - I am 6 weeks pregnant.  The fertility specialist monitors the pregnancy more closely through the first trimester, which is good.  Because we had three embryos implanted, this was the day to find out if we were having multiple babies.  Fortunately, we are having one baby!  We were able to hear the baby's heartbeat, and everything seemed to be good.  The doctor did see some blood buildup, which he said he thought it might be from implantation.  The hope is that the blood will just be reabsorbed into the body without growing.  But, when he shared this news with us, I was instantly concerned about whether this blood buildup would/could affect the baby.  I wanted assurances from the doctor that I didn't really get 100%, probably because he can't give those type of assurances.  Anyway, I came away from that appt with the reminder that I have so little control of so many things in life.  Ultimately I must choose to trust God with this precious life he has given me.  I must choose to trust God with my concerns and my hopes. 

Sometimes I wonder,does it make a difference at all if I pray and ask God for protection of this little life, since God has the days already numbered for all of us.  But then I'm reminded of stories in the Bible where God was moved because of prayers of His people.  So, I will continue to pray for this healthy growing life in me.  I will pray for increased faith and trust in Him.  I know that I don't want to be anywhere other than in God's care and provision.  And my baby is in  God's care and provision too.  I find comfort and hope in that.