Thursday, June 9, 2011

Follow-up sonogram

Yesterday was our second sonogram.  The doctor said the blood buildup was gone, and the baby and sac had grown since last week.  However, he couldn't find a heartbeat.  He told us he is 99% sure it isn't a viable pregnancy.  I have to go back on Monday for another sonogram so they can double check.  At that time, they will discuss options with me if my body doesn't miscarry on it's own. 

I tried holding it together at the center, but I just broke down crying.  How could we so easily hear the heartbeat last week and this week there be no heartbeat?  I asked the doctor if the blood clot could have affected the baby, but he said he didn't think so because there was obvious growth of the baby. 

I've cried many times since yesterday, which isn't like me.  I like to have my emotions under control, but I don't feel like I have anything under control right now.  Last night, I thought about the baby all night long and why he/she couldn't have lived?  God brought life to this little one only to not survive?  I don't understand. 

It's hard to comfort my husband, who I know needs comforting, when I'm so emotional.  I feel sorry for him.  He is trying to be present for me and comforting while dealing with his own grief and sadness.

My loved ones tell me there could still be a heartbeat on Monday found, and I know they are right.  I know God can do a miracle and breathe life into my baby.   I want to believe for that and pray for that.  I also want to trust God ultimately.  I know His ways are greater than ours, and I know He doesn't make mistakes.  I guess I'll keep telling myself that.

No comments:

Post a Comment