Thursday, June 9, 2011
I'm grateful to have a good support system of friends and family. I've had a group of people who have really walked alongside me through my infertility and IVF journey - people who have been faithful to pray and encourage me. I have no trouble asking people for prayer. But when I received news that the doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat yesterday, I lost it emotionally. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not because I didn't want them to know, but because I didn't want to be out of control emotionally. I think I've cried more yesterday and today than I have in years. I know that's good for me, but I'm not used to letting people see that vulnerability in me. Why is that so hard? I don't know. I've wanted to isolate myself, not talk about things with anyone, because it's easier to be "okay" emotionally if I'm not thinking about or talking about the baby. But avoidance isn't good. Why can't I just "lose it" in front of people who love me?