A Chance to Trust

Adam and I decided awhile ago that we would pursue invetro fertilization one last time in an effort to have another child.  We are starting the process of injections this month.  When we made the decision to do IVF again, we knew we would be draining our savings account to pay for the cost of everything.  We both agreed we wanted to move forward with an understanding that I would work some extra hours at work to help rebuild our savings as quickly as possible.  The total cost is around $16,000.  Adam had told me we might be a couple of thousand dollars short, but with my extra hours at work I thought we would be okay.  In my mind, I thought we were going to get billed for each procedure along the way and we would have some time before payment was due.

When I opened the mail today, there was a bill from the fertility center stating we needed to pay $8800 by the end of the week for a deposit for upcoming procedures.  Immediately, I panicked.  I wasn't expecting to have to pay that deposit so soon and wasn't sure if we even had all of that money to pay this week.  We had just paid $3000 for our medicines in addition to paying $1000 a month ago for another procedure and blood work.  I called my husband at work and told him about the deposit due.  He thought we might be a couple of thousand dollars short in savings.  I'm still panicking, wondering if we shouldn't move forward but in my mind knowing we are too far into it to stop now.  But, what are we going to do? 

Then, I just prayed to God, giving Him my anxiety and worry and concerns.  How are we going to come up with the money this week?  Are we going to have enough money to cover everything?  My husband's worse fears are not having money for what we need, and here we are in a position of losing all our savings and still being short.  What are we doing?  We both felt peace about moving forward, knowing we would be using all of our money for this.  We both knew it would be an act of faith and trust in God providing for our needs.  Now it's in God's hands to provide for our needs - for Him to fill the gap.  It's easy to say we trust God and have faith in Him when everything is going fine.  But, when you are really in need, do you really believe what you say you do?  I DO trust God, and I do know He is faithful.  I'm giving this to God to work out, and I'm trusting Him.

God, I trust you.  I know you've given Adam and me a spirit of unity and agreement about doing IVF.  We trust you to meet every need along the way in this process.  We know our dependence on you in this process brings you glory. 

The beauty of music

I don't know about you, but I don't know what life would be like without music.  I love music, listening to it and singing.  It allows me to feel and think more deeply.  It touches my heart and soul like nothing else.  One of my all-time favorite artists is Rich Mullins because of his lyrics.  If you don't know his music, find some and listen to his lyrics.  His music takes me to a deeper place with God.  The song I posted tonight is one of my new favorite worship songs.  Listen and meditate on God's glory.  It can change you!  Blessings!

Living with Intention

Happy Monday!  How do you feel when you get out of bed on a Monday morning?  Do you dread the day, the week ahead of you?  Or do you look forward to what lies ahead? Most of us are probably somewhere in the middle...One thing that is really important to me, and I believe is critical in my spiritual growth, is having proper perspective and living with intention.  Our pastor once said that when you live life just letting it happen, without intention, you will end up in a place you never meant to be.  I believe that's true. We can't just let life happen; we can live a life of fruitfulness and obedience.  So, how will you live with intention this week?  Here are my goals for the week:  compliment my husband every day this week (this is his love language and an area I don't do so well in sometimes); say "yes" to opportunities to serve others when it's possible (I already have one request to babysit this week); make an effort to bless those I come into contact with this week (with a smile, with a kind word, with an act of kindness).  I want to be open to how God wants to use me this week and see opportunities to be faithful. 

Adam (my husband) asked me yesterday on our date what I wanted my tombstone to say.  Funny question, huh?  You'd have to know my husband to know this is right up his alley. As he was rattling off quite a lengthy answer about his tombstone, my answer just came to me.  Here is what I said:  "A life lived well - loving God and loving others".  I know it's simple, but is there anything else that really matters?  I want my life to make a difference by pointing others to Jesus.  You'd be amazed at how little acts of kindness make a world of difference in the lives others.  What are your goals for the week?

God is Good

It's been a great day! I've seen God work and move today.  This might be a long story, so bear with me.  We found out on Thursday night that my sister was coming into town this weekend,which would mean we would be spending time with my extended family so we could all be together.  My husband and I haven't had much time together recently due to work schedules, and he wanted us to make plans for some "couple time" together Sunday afternoon.  Well, I knew my mom was planning to have everyone over to her house on Sunday, but she wouldn't commit to a time.  She wasn't sure whether she'd have people over for lunch or dinner.  My husband is a planner, and he wanted to plan our Sunday in advance so he would know what to expect for the day. Well, I felt torn between my husband and my extended family.  My husband didn't want to "play it by ear" like my mom wanted to do, and I wanted to spend time with both my husband and my family.  The more I asked my husband if we could just be flexible and play it by ear on Sunday, the more adamant he became about nailing down when we would spend our time together. 

While my husband was gone on an errand on Saturday, God just nudged me about submitting to Adam.  I don't always have to have things my way.  Sometimes I just have to stop and let Adam lead, even when I have a different opinion.  I needed to show Adam that he is valued and important - over any other earthly relationships.  In that moment on Saturday, I knew God had opened my eyes about valuing my husband and submitting to him.  When he came home from his errand, I just told him that spending time with him is my priority and we'd make our arrangements for our date.  I knew my family would be upset if we missed out on time with them and they wouldn't understand why we couldn't just all be together, but I left that in God's hands.  I was doing what I knew was right and that was putting my husband first. 

Sunday came around, and of course my mom wanted everyone to come over at the time Adam and I had planned our date.  I told my mom we already had plans to have a date, and she volunteered to watch our daughter for us later in the day if we could come over for lunch.  I asked Adam about it, and he was fine with that plan.  So, it turns out that we were able to spend time with my family and have a great date together.  I believe God really worked it out and blessed my day by allowing all relationships to be nurtured. 

The time with my family went really well.  When we pulled up to my parents' house, I asked Adam to pray before we went in.  His prayer was simple and straightforward - asking God for us to bless and encourage family members and to guard our mouths from saying anything we shouldn't.  Perfect Prayer!  We had fun with everyone, laughed a lot, and just enjoyed being together.  I wasn't focused on my insecurities or feeling left out or anything - I was just focused on enjoying those around me and showing love. 

My lesson today:  being willing to "let go" of what I want and letting go of trying to please everyone; being willing to put my husband and his needs ahead of others.  In doing so today, God blessed me and blessed all of my relationships.  Now, if I can just remember to "let go" more often...

 

Family Part 2

Well, just finished this evening with my entire family. I am so thankful to have a wonderful husband with whom I can process my inner feelings and then let them go. I wish I could get to the point where I didn't feel negative emotions, but I don't know if that's even realistic. My time with my sister was pretty superficial - no depth of conversation at all. It makes me so sad...I see how she is hiding behind materialism and buying more and more "stuff" to try to ease her pain and make her feel better about life. I get sad as I see her focusing her time and attention on her material goods. But then God gently nudged me tonight and asked me, "how is that any different than turning to food for comfort or watching too much television so that you don't have to deal with anything for awhile?" We all have our struggles, our vices we turn to in efforts to self-medicate, to feel better about ourselves, to avoid having to feel, to avoid having to deal with something difficult. I'm reminded that every person is on a journey, and most every person is struggling in some way. Some people are in our lives to walk alongside them throughout life's ups and downs. However, we can't walk alongside everyone. Unfortunately, my sister isn't one who I am getting to walk alongside of for whatever reason. So, what do I do? I pray for her and I love her. I demonstrate kindness. I don't shy away from asking how she is really doing if given an opportunity - to remind her God cares. If I get my eyes off of myself and on to Jesus, I can see clearly and am available to be used by Him to share a word or an act of kindness. I want to be used by Him. I don't really know if I was used by Him in any special way tonight, but I know my heart was in the right place. That's a start, right? Tomorrow is another opportunity to be used by God.

LOVE

So, I'm still reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. The challenge that has been resonating in my heart is that of learning to love well - love God and love others. Isn't that really the most important part of being a Christ-follower? Love the Lord your God with all your heart,with all your soul, and with all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself. Doesn't God's word say that love covers a multitude of sins? So, then, what does it really look like to love God and love others well? I've tried to let love be my main focus - after all, if I'm loving well, it's probably working on all the other areas too - like growing in patience, growing in humility, lessening pride, etc. Here are the verses that I read this morning in Crazy Love: If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid to full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be mercififul, just as your Father is merciful. Luke 6:32-36 I've read those verses many times and am challenged in so many ways. It's so easy to love those who are easy to love, who love back or give back to you in some way. But what about those who truly aren't nice, aren't kind, don't give back to you in any way? We are called to love them, to do good to them, and to lend to them. I love the verse that says Jesus is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Thus, I need to be kind to the ungrateful and the wicked. How many times I find myself hurt or offended because someone wasn't grateful for what I did. That's just pride and contrary to how Jesus calls us to live. Can I live this way in my flesh? No. This is contrary to how we function in our flesh. That's why we need the Holy Spirit - to help us function in a supernatural way. Don't you think people would take notice if they saw someone love well a person who was ungrateful and wicked? That's LOVE! That's extraordinary! So,when I think about my own life and being around those who I feel hurt me or don't treat me well, instead of focusing on the hurt and the resentment, I need to focus on LOVE, letting Christ's love flow through me. Every time I forgive an offense, I'm showing love. Every time I overlook a slight, I'm showing love. Every time I am kind to someone who isn't being kind to me, I am demonstrating love. Tough to do? Absolutely! Possible to do? Absolutely, with Christ's help. So, this weekend, I'm focusing on intentionally showing love to those around me, especially my sister and other family members. Overlook hurt feelings and slights I feel and just be kind and caring. I want to look at hurts and unkindness as opportunities to reflect the love of Jesus. God, help me to do this well.

Family

Happy Friday! I found out yesterday my older sister is coming into town this weekend from out of state. I haven't seen her in quite some time. One thing you should know about me is that I'm the youngest of four. My brothers and sisters are all very different from me,which creates a dynamic of me being the "odd man out". Most of the time when we are all together, I feel left out and alone. That leads me to separate myself from them even more, which leaves them disconnected from me even more. Sometimes, things go better than other times. But, I struggle to not let those feelings overwhelm me so as to overshadow just enjoying time together. I really feel disconnected from my sister, the one coming into town. I think the reason I'm struggling so much right now with our relationship is because we USED to be closer than we are now. I used to feel like out of all the siblings, she and I were most alike. She could most understand and relate to me. In recent years, my sister has changed and has become someone I don't know. I used to be able to have deep, heart talks with her, but those are a thing of the past. So,when we talk, there's nothing really to talk about. It makes me sad. I'm praying that this weekend I can just LOVE my siblings and show love to my sister in a way that leaves them changed. I don't want my fleshly feelings to keep me from showing God's love to them. That's the only thing that really matters and the thing that changes us the most - LOVE. So this weekend, I will be prayerful and deliberate to be loving, kind, generous, and full of light. God,bhelp rid me of sin. I know you can't use me with sin in my life, and I want more than anything to be used by you. Your forgiveness and mercy and grace are forever there for us, and I thank you for being faithful to forgive me time and time again.